JOKES & RIDDLES

KNOCK KNOCK:

If I go on a trip around the world would you remember me in Texas?

Yes

Would you remember me in China?

Yes

Would you remember me in Japan?

Yes

Knock knock

Who's there?

See, you forgot me already

Knock knock

Who's there?

Doris

Doris who?

Doris closed - that's why I knocked

Knock Knock

Who's there??

Knock Knock

Knock Knock Who?

Answer the door already!

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Dwaine

Dwaine who?

Dwaine the bathtub, I'm dwowning!

knock, knock

who's there

Ben

Ben who

Been knocking on your door all afternoon

Knock-Knock,

Who's There?

Musket!

Musket, who?

Mus-ket home now...Bye-bye!!!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Musket

Musket who?

Musket in! The Wolves are after me!

Knock Knock,

Who's there?

Cracker,

Cracker who?

Cracker'nother joke and I'm out'a here!

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Jamaica

Jamaica who?

Jamaica me happy!!!

Knock knock

who's there

boo

boo who?

Don't cry its just a knock knock joke

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Whale.

Whale who?

Whale will you let me in or won't you?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ach.

Ach who?

God bless you!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Olive

Olive who?

Olive you too!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Little old Lady.

Little old Lady who?

I didn't know you could yodal.

RIDDLES & JOKES:

What happens when you kiss a clock?

Your LipsTick (Lipstick).

Why did the elephant lie down in the middle of the sidewalk:?

To trip the ants....

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: It was the chicken's day off.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was!

Why did the gum cross the road ?

cause it was stuck to the bottom of the chickens foot

Question: What can we learn from the story of Jonah and the Whale?

Answer: You can't keep a good man down.

Did you hear the joke about the bed?

It hasn't been made yet!!

Q: why don't skeletons play music in church?

A: they don't have any organs!

If you are in a room with no windows or doors and you only have

a mirror, how do you get out?

Answer: You look in the mirror and see what you saw.

You take the saw and cut the mirror in half.

Two halves make a whole (hole).

You crawl through the hole and you're out!

Why did the chicken bok?

Answer: Because he had chicken boks (pox).

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little buggie in it.

Question? Why do Goats have bells?

Ans. Because there horns don't work.

Question? What do you call a bull when it is sleeping?

Ans. A BULL-DOZER

Why was the chef mean?

Because he beat the eggs, whipped the cream and mashed the potatoes. Ha Ha

Why don't dogs drive?

They'd get too many barking tickets.

Q. Why did the inventor keep tinkering with her insect exercise machine?

A. She had some bugs to work out!

Q: What has two hands, but can't hold anything?

A: A clock.

Q: What has eyes, but can't see?

A: A potato.

When do Ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no idear (A No-eyed deer)

Where is a sneeze usually pointed?

Achoo! (At you)

Did you hear about the boy/girl who keeps going around saying "NO"?

No...

When can sinner be spelled with 1 letter?

When it's "U'!

What's part tree and part pig?

A Porky Pine!

What do you call a box of duck?

Quackers

Q: What side of the dog has more fur?

A: The outside!

Why did the tomato cross the road?

Because he wanted to ketchup with his friends.

What do you get when you cross a rooster, a cocker spaniel and a french poodle?

A Cocker Poodle Doo!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the GUTS!!!!

Why don't lions like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

What does an elephant do when it breaks it's toe?

It calls a toe truck!

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers

Where do cows go at night?

The moovies

What's the best way to catch a squirrel?

ANS: You climb a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call a box of duck?

Quackers

Q. What was Boaz before he married Ruth?

A. Ruthless!

Q. What did the three legged dog say as he stumbled into town?

A. I Came to get the man who shot my paw!

Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A. Time to get a new fence!

Q. What kind of food screams?

A. Ice Cream

Q: Where is the first example of cannibalism in the bible?

A: Two Kings Ate One!

Q: Who is the shortest person in the Bible?

A: Bildad the Shuhite! . . . or . . .

A: Knee High Miah! . . . or . . .

A: Peter (when he slept on his watch) . . . or . . .

A: Jesus (when He spoke on a mustard seed)

Q: Who is the largest woman in the bible?

A: The woman of Some area (Samaria Jn 4)

Q: How do we know Moses had a headache?

A: He was told to go up a mountain and take two tablets.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?

A: Joshua, because he was the son of Nun.

Q: Who was the straightest man in Genesis?

A: Joseph - because he was a ruler Egypt.

Q: What was the first state mentioned in the Bible?

A: Arkansas - because Noah looked out of the ark and saw..

Did you know that they had cars in the bible?

Joshua's triumph was heard throughout the land.

What is the first automobile mentioned in the Bible? -It's Acts 2:1, where we're told that the disciples had gathered together, and they were all in one ACCORD.

Question: What was Noah's biggest problem on the ark?

Answer: Those 2 termites.

What did the right eye say to the left eye? Between you and me something smells.

Three guys walked into a store,,,,, don't you think one of them would have seen it?

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted (get it,,, a salted)

There were 3 tomatoes. Papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato.

One day they took a walk and baby tomato started to lag behind.

So the papa tomato walked back to baby tomato,

squeezed baby tomato and said "Catch up!" (ketchup):')

One day, a man was filling up his gas tank and didn't realize some gas

dripped on his sleeve. While he was driving, he took a cigar, lighted it

and started smoking it. Later, some of the hot ashes from the cigar fell

on his sleeve. It caught fire and he stuck his arm out the window. He was

pointing at something for some odd reason. A cop made him pull over, put out the fire and gave the man a ticket for pointing a firearm.

A sheriff in a small western town spent his mornings sitting in front of his office. One

day, he noticed a three-legged dog walking up and down the street with a pair of six-shooters strapped around his waist. The sheriff thought this unusual, but, since the dog wasn't causing any trouble, he chose not to say anything to the dog. The next day, the sheriff sees the same three-legged dog, six-shooters and all, pacing up and down

the street. This continues for several days. Finally, the sheriff decides he had better investigate, so he stops the three-legged dog and asks him why he paces the street every day with six-shooters strapped around his waist. The three-legged dog replies, "I'm looking for the dirty dog that shot my Paw."

A preacher went walking through a forest one day and he came upon a bear. He immediately became scared and dropped to his knees to pray. "Oh Lord," he cried, Please spare me from this bear that I shall not be it's next meal." At that point the bear dropped to his knees and said "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal you have set before me.........."

Bear Tales

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go

and get another!"

A burglar walks across the lawn of the house he's stalking when he hears, "Jesus is watching". He stops, looks around and doesn't see anyone. But there's a parrot in a cage up by the house. The thief walks up to the bird and asks, "What did you say?" The bird repeated, "Jesus is watching". The burglar asks, "What is your name?" "Clarence" replied the bird, to which the man broke out in laughter. "What stupid idiot would name his bird Clarence? The bird replied, "The same stupid idiot who would name his Rotweiller Jesus".

A frog went into a bank hoping to secure a loan. " I need a loan, " he explained to the receptionist. "Okay " she said, "I will direct you to a loan officer Ms. Patty Wack."

Patty asked the frog, "what can I do for you today?" " I need a loan" said the frog..

"Do you have anything to secure the loan?" Asked Patty. "Well I have this," explained the frog, and he took something out of a bag and set it on the desk. "Oh no!" said Patty "I do not think that will do." "Please," said the frog, "just ask the bank president if he will take this to secure the loan .. I really need this loan." "I will ask" said Patty. Patty went to the office of the President and said , "I have this frog who wants a loan, but I asked if he had anything to secure the loan with and he gave me these. I don't even know what they are." The bank president shook his head and said. " Patty Patty,,, It's a Nik Nac Patty Wack, Now give the frog a loan."

The Penguin Caper

A truck driver has a refrigerator truckload of penguins that he is taking to the zoo in Atlanta. Just before he gets to the Grant Zoo exit, he busts a hose and loses all pressure in the refrigeration unit. Since he is so close to the zoo and has many other stops to make, he decides to make the penguins walk to the zoo. He spots a drunk guy sitting on the side of the road and says, "Hey, Buddy! I'll give you $50.00 to take these penguins to the Zoo!" And the drunk guy says, "Sure, man, I'll take your penguins to the zoo!" So the truck driver opens up the back doors and pulls out the ramp and the penguins fall into a single file line behind the drunk guy and they head off to the zoo. Well, the truck driver gets his problems fixed up and is on his way to his next pickup when he sees the penguins walking down the road still following the drunk. He pulls up beside him and rolls down the window and says, "Hey, Buddy! I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" And the guy answers back, "Well, I did, but I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to see a movie, too!"

The story is told of the man caught by rising floodwaters. As he looks out the second story window of his house, a man in a rowboat spies him and calls out, "Hey! get in and I'll save you!" The man replies, "Thank you, but no, I'm waiting for the Lord." The waters continue to rise and now the man has scrambled out onto his roof, where he is seen by a man going past in a speedboat. This man roars up to the house and yells "Hey! get in and I'll save you!" The man on the roof replies, "Thanks, no, but I'm waiting for the Lord. He will save me." Now the waters have risen so far the man is perched on his chimney top. Miraculously, a passing helicopter spots him and the pilot shouts down, "Climb up this rope ladder and we'll save you!" "No, thanks," replies the man on the roof; "I'm waiting for the Lord Who has promised to save me." The waters continue to rise, and the man drowns. Now he gets to heaven (having been a good and righteous soul), and when he gets there he has a complaint to make. He says to the Lord, "Lord, I trusted You. I waited for You, and You never came. I'm very disappointed." The Lord replies, "What did you expect? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

A man was selling his horse, and an interested buyer came to investigate. The seller said, "There's something you should know about the horse. He stops running when you say, 'Amen,' and he starts running when you say, 'Praise the Lord.'" "No problem," the other man said, "I'll take it." The man began to ride away on the horse. He decided to test the horse. "Amen," he said, and the horse stopped on the road just as the other man had said. "Praise the Lord!" The horse took off running like mad. The rider held on as tight as he could. As he noticed they were racing towards a cliff, he begin screaming, "Stop!!! Stop, you stupid horse!! Whoah!!" Nothing worked. So he began praying, "Dear God, PLEASE let the horse stop! PLEASE!!! AMEN!" The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. With great enthusiasm and joy the man screamed, "PRAISE THE LORD!!" (OOPS!!!)

Well, God and Adam were walking in the garden, and God was happy. He was really excited about what he had made..... ...And while God was walking around bragging, he finally noticed that Adam wasn't as excited as he..... ...So he asked Adam what was wrong... and Adam said, "well look God, I mean I really like being alive and all.... and the garden is cool, but all the other animals have mates.... ...The cows have their mates and the horses have theirs, but I only have myself... ....So God said..."well, I've got a deal for you Adam...I 'll make you a mate that will iron your socks, wash you clothes, and be there at your beckoning call... ...And Adam said, "Wow! How much will it cost me God?"

..God said "It'll cost you and arm and a leg." ...Adam said, "Ooooooo. Man, I donno...... What can I get for a rib?"

St. Peter and the Rich Man

Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion. The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained. "That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"

The Rabbi, Vicar and Priest by the River

A Rabbi, a Vicar and a Priest went fishing one day, they patiently sat on the river bank waiting for a bite, after a few hours the Rabbi stood up and said, "I don't think we are to get anywhere here so I'm going to cross the river and try up stream". The Priest pointed out that the nearest bridge was 3 miles away. "No problem" replied the Rabbi who knelt down and prayed for a few seconds, then he stood up and walked across the water! The Vicar started packing away his fishing equipment and shouted to the Rabbi to wait for him. The Vicar knelt down said a quick prayer and walked across the river to join the Rabbi. The Priest thought to himself if they can do it so can I. "Wait for me" the Priest called, "There's no point in me staying here on my own", the Priest knelt down and said a

prayer stood up walked to the river bank took one step out into the river then vanished beneath the surface. On the other bank the Vicar turned to the Rabbi "Do you think we should of told him about the stepping stones"?

During the time the church was being persecuted in Rome, a Christian was thrown to the lions. As he waited to be eaten, he knelt down and prayed. Looking up, he was suprised to see the lion also kneeling in prayer. Seeing, the look of bewilderment on the Christian's face, the lion said to him "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm saying grace"